Light of Eminence

2011-03-28T13:28:00.002+08:00

I find it extremely disappointing to know that some people choose to be friends only with people within their group and form "cliques". It is ridiculous that they should forget that all of us are Muslims. And if we look at the wider spectrum, we are all humans. So why must a person be nice only to those who are in his group and antagonize those who are not in his group? Is this right? Is this tasawuf? This is definitely not the brotherhood Shaykh talks about. Elitist attitude is not part of Islam. Funny how people want to be Shaykhs and talk as if they know a person's spiritual well-being. Don't talk about wahabbism if you cannot practice sufism.

2011-03-05T23:53:00.004+08:00

Another passing four days ago...May Allah swt bless her soul.

Indeed the loss of a mom is undescribable and only a person who've been through it will understand. The way I deal with it is not to ponder upon it because seeing everything around me is actually a reminder of my mom and I do not want to be emotional. She was the light of my life, and I used to buy food back for her a least twice a week, and now whenever I look at food she used to love, I feel the emptiness. No more buying food for her. No more saying "Mom, I got a gift for you today."

Anyway, after she passed away, I've lost my muse, and therefore don't feel like writing much.

Surprisingly, I did not cry when she passed away. Indeed it's raining in my heart everyday and nobody else will ever see that. I do not wish to think and ponder and feel sad because I would have let her go anyway even if I'm given a million chances to have her stay. Loving someone too much is a risk we all take.

2011-02-19T10:03:00.004+08:00

Inna Lillahi Wa inna ilahi rajiun. Singapore's beloved Shaykh Abdul Maqsud al Faris al Hasani passed away this morning. May Allah swt bless his soul. Somehow I am saddened by the news. The last time we met him, I get a feeling he knew he was leaving this world because of the things he said. I didn't expect it so soon. I remembered thinking it is such a blessing to be sitting down with him having a chat and how peaceful it felt to be in his house.

The night my mom passed away, he made du'a for my mom and he gave the water he blessed to me. When I heard the water was for me, not for my mom, I had a feeling my mom is going to pass on. Another saint has left us. These saints, sometimes they leave a mark in your heart even if you've only met them a couple of times. May Allah swt bless him with the highest Jannah.

2011-02-11T13:51:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday
I guess since my mom left, I've lost my muse - no more interest in writing. Life is a journey - and reflecting back, I've become a different person, really. Somehow, my interest in attending majlis has also gone down, which is not necessarily a negative thing. Perhaps it is time to concentrate on other things.

2011-01-09T20:22:00.002+08:00

After the passing of the love of my life, I'm totally not in the mood to blog anymore. But a lot has been going on lately for me - spiritually, mentally, physically.

Last month, for 6 days, I felt happiness and peace which I never felt since my mom's passing because a lover of God was in town. Not many even paid him any attention, but he was special. Spending time with this lover of God was extraordinary - and I know for a fact I will probably never experience that again, since a lover of God will be known sooner or later and receive much attention. It reminds me of how the Prophet (saw) went through the loss of his loved ones, and after that he received the blessing of Isra' Mikraj. To a much smaller and incomparable extent, that was what the 6 days felt like.

My mom's passing reminds me of death - and how important it is that you have ibadah & spiritual connection so that when you are at your final moments, those two things will help you. I cannot even begin to understand where my mom is, the how, the why - it is all spiritual & only Allah swt knows. At her deathbed, I was reading Yasin, Wird & Burdah. She cried when I was reading Burdah. I even told her what the Wird was and what the Burdah was. I was reading Salatul-Fatih to her all the way from the time she was sick to the time when they lowered down the body in the grave. You have no idea what to do when your loved ones are sick or dying, but you've got to pratice everything you ever learn and believe it will help the sick and dying. That is the only thing you can do. You cannot lose hope - you can only pray.

Now that I've completed sending her off, I'm finally feeling sad. I didn't cry at all from the moment I heard about her passing until her funeral. But now that everything's settled, I do feel sad from time to time. May Allah swt bless her soul. Even now that she's in another place, she is still concerned when one of us is sick. My mom is the biggest wali to me.

2010-12-26T00:11:00.002+08:00

2010
2010 has been a year of great significance. At the beginning of the year, I made a choice which changed my life. Whatever happens this year made me age so much faster. This is the year of happiness and sadness. I do not know how so many things can happen in one year.

I guess I find it difficult to remember my Mom and not feel sad. I dreamt of her last night, and I started crying, so she left. Apparently, news is that she is with the Shaykhs, which is good alhamdulillah. She used to advise that I sit with the ulama' and after her passing, indeed, I get to sit with the ulama'. I pray that she is happy and safe, always. There are just so many things I no longer do because I used to do it for her. There's nothing quite like losing your mom. I've always known love is dangerous, but it is a risk I take.

2010-12-18T18:42:00.003+08:00

I am seriously against organizing an event and then owing people money from it. It does not make sense because even if the intention is to do dakwah, if you end up in debt, that's not good. Either the planning was not done properly or there has been serious miscommunication.

A true Da'i, as we have seen, do not burden the organizer. In fact, we have recently seen some very humble, true da'i, alhamdulillah. Allah swt has provided us Help in ways we cannot imagine and has chosen the ones who came. But there are some other people who burden the organizers beyond what they can afford. At the end of the day, we are trying to do good but if we cannot afford it, we have to abandon it. That is the bottom line - if you're too expensive, then your da'wah is not meant to reach our shores. Nowadays, to organize da'wah events you need a substantial amount of money.

2010-12-12T23:13:00.001+08:00

2010-12-10T13:05:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday
Alhamdulillah, we have just finished the tasawuf conference for two days. While the turn-up left many puzzled, I for one, have no problems with that. This is because Shaykh has clearly said to us that everything is Allah's Will. Whoever attend, they are meant to attend and we hope they benefitted. There are many people who are supposed to attend but for some reason or other, they did not get to attend. It is all the Will of Allah - who is to question it? Shaykh said the conference is a success, and he smiled - he must have known the real reason we held the conference in the first place.

We really have to thank the volunteers, and our very kind-hearted friend, who showed great humility & adab although he has contributed so much for the conference. When I see this brother, I thought to myself, subhanallah - this man is truly humble and helpful, and am ashamed of my own lack of adab.

Time passes by so quickly - and I still cannot believe Shaykh was here...

2010-12-08T19:11:00.003+08:00

Heart & Soul
It's been two years since my heart died, and subhanallah, meeting the shaykh has been a great blessing. Spending time with him was amazing - to be in the presence of someone so special, I cannot even imagine to describe. As one guy said, "He is something else." Allahu akbar.

My heart felt happiness like never before. He is as humble as you can get and is as hidden as one so special can be. I do not think an opportunity such as this will come by again, and it really saddens me to see him leave. As a sister said, "You will feel a void when he leaves." Indeed, it is already happening. May Allah swt bless him for coming here to do dakwah despite being unwell. We love you so dearly our hearts rained and flooded when you left.

2010-11-26T20:13:00.004+08:00

The Sacred Path of Love

Alhamdulillah, insya'Allah we will be having the conference on 4th & 5th Dec 2010. One of the esteemed speakers is Shaykh Mahy Cisse, a spiritual guide in the Tijani path, the son, grandson and great-grandson of a great ulama', a person of great knowledge.

Also invited is Dr Afifi Al-Akiti, who studied with great ulama' in the pesantren, and has since gone on to attain first class degree in Scholastic Philosophy, and is currently lecturing at Oxford University.

Then there is Shaykh Afeefudin, who is a familiar face to all of us, a man who is modest and comes from a fine lineage. Habib Hasan Al-Attas will also be giving a short talk, insya'Allah. The full lineup, as indicated below.

For more information or to register, visit http://www.soutilaahi.com

It's been a busy time for all of us, and I should be panicking. There's just so many things going on right now, it's a huge challenge for us.

2010-11-14T23:30:00.002+08:00

Tonight is the 100 days since my mom's demise. Yesterday, we visited the grave, and while we were reading Yasin, I heard the sound of a bird chirping. This particular bird makes a beautiful sound, and my mom used to always ask me, "Burung apa tu, eh? Mak nak tengok burung tu." And I used to always think to myself, it's not like I can catch the bird and show it to her, although I would if I could. My mom has always loved animals. Anyway, yesterday, that same bird appeared and chirped. It reminds me so much of all the times she mentioned she wanted to see this bird.

2010-11-11T13:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we meet with people who do not want to face up to their problems. They will keep blaming everyone else around them, accusing everyone, telling tales about everyone. But it is very clear that actually, they are just avoiding their own problems - because it is so much easier to blame others than to solve their problems and be human enough to admit that they are themselves to blame. The question is why blame others when it has nothing to do with them? Strange how people are. Do they expect life to be like a bed of roses and for them to be the center of attention? We all have our own problems - that, people do not see because in reality, they do not really care.

2010-11-06T21:53:00.002+08:00

Going to the hospital brings back painful memories. A lucky thing it was not the same hospital. I can never bear to step foot in the premises again anytime soon. Being a highly visual person, the memories keep coming back like a video replayed again and again. It is incredibly difficult to remove the images from my head. It was the longest week in my life, I went to the hospital with her in an ambulance and came back wih her in a jenazah van. It is not something easily forgotten. It is a dangerous thing to love - because everything you go, you see the one you love. I ask myself sometimes whether this love is frowned upon, yet this very love is what God puts in my heart.

2010-11-05T20:51:00.002+08:00

It seems that we are really facing tribulations. I wonder why people would be so heartless as to kick people when they are down. What is it that they want? If they think we have lots of money, then they are wrong. If they think being Singaporeans make us rich, they are wrong. If they think we do this because we are so damn rich and we have so much free time, they are wrong. All of us face tribulations but it does not give us the right to condemn others. Sometimes I wish these people see for themselves our condition. In the end, we ask ourselves where we will get the strength to pull this through? My spirit is dwindling, and I feel all alone...and I'm asking, where will I get the strength?

2010-10-31T21:05:00.003+08:00

Now is a depressing moment. I wonder whether it's because of my time off from wirid, or whether it is the momentary meeting with my mom in the world of ruh. I woke up crying because I miss her so. This separation really puts me in no mood to do anything at all. I am as depressed as the world around me. The pressure of not knowing what lies ahead bothers me...

2010-10-28T13:24:00.003+08:00

The Sacred Path of Love
Insya'Allah we will be having the conference Sacred Path of Love on 4th & 5th December 2010. 2-day tickets selling at $45, 1-day ticket selling at $35. This is a special price for early purchase. If purchases are done after 15 Nov 2010, it will be more expensive. So get your tickets early. For more info, log on to http://www.soutilaahi.com/

2010-10-22T20:05:00.002+08:00

Recently, I was talking to a friend about my most favourite ustazah, whom I miss dearly. Apparently, the reason I love her so much was because she was indeed special. I was told she is kashaf, which explains why she seemed to be answering all the questions I had in my head when I'm in her class. She is a very strange lady with extraordinary willpower, she spent much time in zikrullah & she has had the privilege of meeting Rasulullah (saw).

It shows simply that people tend to be attracted to the lovers of God, although they may never understand why. For many years I love ustazah, although she's outwardly as ordinary as one can possibly get. Now it seems clearer to me why. May Allah swt bless her.

2010-10-22T19:46:00.000+08:00

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Every time I pray
I'll be missing you...

2010-10-21T13:52:00.001+08:00

2010-10-17T21:08:00.001+08:00

Ayah dan ibu
Wali dan juga keramat
Pada mereka
kita beri hormat

My wali is gone...

2010-10-12T23:22:00.002+08:00

The idea of having this conference started in April this year. The plan was, originally, to organise a series of lectures by the shaykh but it quickly morphed into a conference. After much deliberation on the title, we decided on something everybody will be able to relate to - love. Simple yet meaningful.

We wanted to discuss the problems all of us face today - stress, financial issues, health issues, family issues. At the bottom of all this is the dreaded D - Depression. We are seeing an alarming number of depression cases due to the problems stated above. In fact, I know people who are depressed and on medication. So no doubt, I am concerned. In order to address this issue, we came up with the title 'Finding faith in times of tribulations'. Of course, faith should not only be limited to times when we are in distress, but in light of the situation now, I think it will be something everybody relates to.

From the time we decided to do this, we are faced with many tribulations. The biggest of which is the loss of the love of my life which brought down my spirit. This is followed by a series of other problems. So trust me, I need this conference as much as everyone else. Even at this stage, we are struggling to keep up - indeed we are weak, physically, mentally & spiritually.

Insya'Allah, some of the speakers are spiritual guides, who speak simply but beautifully. We hope that by having them with us, we will benefit spiritually. So do pray for this conference, and for the speakers to land on our shores safely. We plan, but Allah swt is the Planner of everything. May Allah swt bless our land with many more scholars in times to come. Amiin.

2010-10-11T23:24:00.004+08:00

Do join us for this conference. We pray and hope that everything will go well, and that this conference is beneficial to all.

2010-10-09T13:00:00.005+08:00

I guess the part where I miss my mom has just begun. I am beginning to understand the pain of separation and the meaning of love. Allah swt has put this deep love in my heart and I am learning the different levels of love.

I am really blessed that just months before my mom left, Allah swt has shown me the path I am to take. It gave me the strength to pull through everything. Once you feel a void in your heart, you have to take action - and insya'Allah you will be guided. I know little about this path yet it does not bother me much anymore. I used to think you have to know everything about the path you take, but apparently, you can't and you won't. So why not just leave it to Allah swt. Whatever is given, you take. Whatever is not shown to you, then don't ask.

Challenges always come at one go in my life so far, and again, I am left not only to deal with the loss of the love of my life, but also other issues such as health issues, money issues, work issues. My father, obviously, is not aware of the sickness faced by some of us at home. I couldn't bear to tell him the exact disease because it sounds so fatal and serious - 3 times at the hospital in one month should be worrying. Life and death is not in our hands yet how do we let go of people we love? When we are sick, we should place priority in maintaining our health, not in searching for money. That's just the way it is - don't exert yourself and land in hospital. What's the point of it all if at the end of the day, you fall sick? And why in God's name do the sick people eat without thinking about their health. Those who are sick need to avoid certain food, no? Sigh. Stubborness is a disease.

I am also ultra busy preparing for a conference, and while the Shaykh says not to worry about money and that it is all Allah's Will, we are still worried. Shaykhs are like that - somehow they never worry while we continue to worry. Sigh.

Meanwhile this qasidah reminds me of my mom - because on the night she passed away, they were singing this at the haul of Kiyai Asrori...

2010-09-25T22:28:00.003+08:00

The fire is anger - and the syaitan has successfully caused us all to feel angry. Anger is like a fire that spreads so that all of us hate each other. So that all of us shout at each other. Why must anger enter this house? I felt like I was going to have a heart attack just now - the syaitan which walks into the house just now must be one strong one. I do not know how to protect this house anymore - the fire enters and cause all of us to feel anger. What will happen if one of these days I really blow up - because I'm really close to it. Medad, medad...don't let fire enter again.

2010-09-25T13:10:00.010+08:00

Every night, we try to talk to our father. So I'm amazed when people jump to conclusions. Anyway, yesterday, I talked to my father again. This time, he launched into a very long conversation. He said that we should not argue with him even if he is wrong, because he is already old and will not be living long in this world. He said we should just ignore what he said and walk away - not argue. He knows sometimes he makes mistakes.

Our life has changed so much recently, and we are faced with lots of challenges. I am very concerned about my dad. If he does not see people and talk to people he loves, I am afraid his sadness will overtake him. Sometimes I ask him questions about the past just to jog his memory. He seems at his happiest when he sees his grandchildren. It is a fact that he is happier to be with his grandchildren than his own children, and I hope towards the end of his days, he will be able to spend time with them. I cannot replace them even if I try. I cannot say anymore than this, because sometimes my true intentions are misunderstood. Each time I say something, I end up getting hurt. I take it that Allah swt is testing my patience. In fact, I've said all that needs to be said. When my mother was around, I kept a lot of things to myself. I was afraid saying things would make me a busybody. But after she left, I am not holding back anything anymore. I say what I say for the sake of people I love, and whichever way people understand it, it's up to them.

Yesterday, when I talked to him, I nearly cried. He said, your mother would know what's going on and she will not be happy with what's happening. Which, if you read hadith about the afterlife, it is true. Those who have left know the condition of the living.

I have not fully recovered from the spiritual downfall two years ago. But at least the zikr seems to be working. When I got angry at my father recently, the fact that I felt guilty afterwards, is a good sign. It means that at least I am aware of the things I did wrong. I regretted it but Allah swt already saw me being rude to him and I cannot take it back. If the same thing happened to me when I grow old one day, it will be because I lost my temper with my father. Yes, it is very difficult to remain patient sometimes, but he is leaving us sooner or later. When we were young, he bought us ice-creams, he picked us up from school. When we were sick, he tried to help us get better. When we need to buy stuff from the shop, he helps us. That's what we should stick to, and not memories of him being unreasonable.

I don't regret, not seeing men who are not my mahram when they come. So those who are not my mahram and expect me to go out of my room and have friendly conversations with them, should learn their religion. This is the religion and God knows better why such rules exist. In fact, I used to be so strict, I don't speak to men unless there's a particular need. So yes, I'm purposely cooped up in my room when non-mahram men are around, but not when my father is around. But my father don't see that even though we try to talk to him every night since my mom's passing. He does not know we purposely sit there just so he can have someone to talk to.

Who else is there besides the two of us sitting at the kitchen table late at night listening to the same stories every night? Who eats the food just so my father would not be offended? Who tells me countless times to be nice to my father and not to argue with him? These things only Allah swt knows.

The point is, you need to try to be nice to your parents - you may succeed or you may fail, but you have to try. They took care of you when you were young. So you have to try. It's now or never. I'm trying but it's incredibly hard when fire enters.

2010-09-19T14:59:00.004+08:00

When things happen, you've got to adjust your life and not expect that it will be just the way it was. Everybody has to adjust, even our finances have to be adjusted and believe me, cutting cost is very important to me. My mom told me many times before she left, to start saving - she knew I never bothered about my finance and have little savings. So I am trying to adjust and trying to organize my finances so that I don't spend unnecessarily when there are cheaper alternatives. And cooking cost so much, it is decided that I will buy the food, the cheaper, the better. As pathetic as that sounds, as long as I'm surviving, and everybody's surviving, we should not be fussy with our food. I can't believe the amount spent on cooking and the food can only be eaten for one day!

It is hard to explain, sometimes, that things will never be the same again. I can never be my mom, and I cannot take over what she used to do. I am working, I am stressed, I am not that well and I'd like to rest. I'm finally realising that age is catching up on me, and I have little energy left to travel at night. Yeah, I used to attend majlis up to midnight in the past, but that was before the illness, before I got really tired.

I don't know how to explain this, and I am truly sorry I cannot take over what my mom used to do - but that is just the way it is - life will never be the same again. As much as I hope to create a life which is similar to what we have before, it's not happening. What my mom used to do is not easy, she's doing the job of two people and she could manage it.

So those who are so used to what my mom used to provide, all that is gone, and we just have to handle things ourselves and stop asking and hoping that things would be the same. Yes, she used to provide so many things for us, but now, we have to take care of things ourselves. What comes from my mom comes from love, therefore it is always good for us. Nobody else will be able to provide that love anymore, so why bother trying to achieve that. Nobody else will ever be the same. So it doesn't matter who it is or what they provide, it will never be the same.

2010-09-15T17:01:00.001+08:00

We visited Shaykh a few days ago. The Shaykh lives in a simple and clean home. Sitting with him is like entering a peaceful abode. He said, "It's okay if you are poor, as long as your heart is rich." Miskin tak apa, asal hati kaya. In short, it's the heart that matters. Money does not buy happiness.

He is one of the remaining alim in Singapore, and is the teacher to hundreds of asatizah here. May Allah swt bless him for all that he has done for our community.

When I was 12, I asked my mom to write in my autograph book (which kids used to have in those days). She delayed writing in it until I was 17. So on 22 Zulhijjah, she wrote her advice to me:

Ajaran Luqman Nur Hakim, bergaul rapatlah dengan orang Alim dan berilmu, perhatikanlah kata nasihatnya. Sejukkanlah hatimu mendengar nasihatnya. Hidupkanlah hatimu dengan cahaya hikmah dari kata-katanya bagai mutiara umpama "Tanah yang subur disirami air hujan".

Sabda Rasulullah (saw), Sebesar-besar dosa itu tida perkara: 1. berlaku syirik kepada Allah, 2. menderhaka kepada kedua ibu bapa, 3. berdusta dalam menjadi saksi. Hendaklah kamu berbuat baik kepada kedua ibu bapamu, Nescaya anak-anak kamu pula akan berbuat baik kepada kamu.

Sekian salam sayang dari Bonda.

And salaam sayang to you everyday for the rest of my life, till we meet again, insya'Allah. And your advice is so meaningful now that you're gone, judging from what we are going through right now.

2010-09-11T19:40:00.004+08:00

I used to make du'a that I will be able to meet more awliya' and solihin so that I may learn from them, and in the past two years, I've met and got to know a lot of awliya' and solihin, alhamdulillah. I am not someone who needs a lot of money - and I never prayed that I will get a lot of money - that is not what I ask from my Lord. As it is, I prefer not to buy new clothes or bags or shoes, unless I truly need them. I have no interest in expensive handbags or heeled shoes, makeup or iphones, ipads or beautifully-designed homes or credit cards, condos or cars. What I need is spiritual advice and guidance. I believe Allah swt has granted me what I need. I look back at my du'a two years ago and yes, Allah has granted what I made du'a for by sending me what I need. When my mom was sick, I received all the help and du'a I needed from the shaykhs because someone has contact with the shaykhs. Nobody in this world can see the effects of the shaykhs' du'a for my mom. I can't see it too but I believe it.

People look at worldly things, and think I am receiving nothing. I am receiving all that I needed, emotional support and spiritual support. And my Lord guarantees my Rizk, not anyone else. When a girl is born, the angels say, "Come out, and your Lord will give you sustenance." When a boy is born, the angels say, "Come out, you will be responsible for your parents' sustenance." So who is saying somebody else is responsible for my sustenance? Yes, it is very hard to believe Allah is responsible for my sustenance, even I have doubts from time to time, but this is what Shaykh, who has many daughters, say.

Now that I have sickness, I begin to understand what it's like to be sick. The weakness felt when you are sick, especially if you are bleeding and having headaches so often. Those who are in the pink of health may not understand. When people bleed and have headaches, they still walk, earn a living, fast, and walk and talk like a normal human being. Only God knows they are in pain.

Yes, Allah swt also sent me tests. But everything comes from Allah swt. My mom, at least, had ihsan and worried about the sick - she often ask about the sick. Therefore when she was sick, many people made du'a for her and care for her. This, we should remember. If we care for others, when we are sick, others will care for us.

We need money and will always worry about money, but money without spiritual support and without knowing the awliya' and solihin, means nothing. Sometimes I feel like migrating, because in Singapore, you worry about money continuosly, as though life has no other purpose. People look at money alone, and respect those with money and who give money. I myself am worrying about money all the time. So, perhaps, if God wills and the time comes, I will live somewhere else. At the end of the day, I am a human being who have emotions, and going away is sometimes better.

2010-09-11T17:54:00.003+08:00

It's already 2nd Syawal. Everyone is sick - my dad, my sister and me - perhaps it is due to the sadness more than anything. Last night, I could hardly sleep, and the sharp pain on my kidney is back. It reminds me of the night I felt such a terrible pain that I thought I was going to die. I couldn't stand it anymore and I called my mom, who came to help. She didn't really go back to sleep that night because she was checking on me to see if I'm alright. Her mere presence and prayer helped eased the pain. Who would have done so for me other than my mother? We used to always ask for her du'a, and now there's going to no more du'a. We used to ask for her du'a everyday before we go to work.

Umi, whose mother also passed away recently, was also sad. She said she doesn't really feel like celebrating Eid, but because of her family, she still cook. Habib too was sad this year. If they felt sad after spending over 50 years with their mothers, we feel even sadder at having lost her so suddenly. We are not questioning God's will but Allah has put this love in our hearts, and of course, being separated from the ones we love will bring sadness. Separation causes sadness. As Mawlana Rumi wrote:

“Ever since I was taken from my reed bed. My woeful song has caused men and women to weep. I seek out those whose hearts are torn by separation. For only they understand the pain of this longing."

How we long to be re-united again. Whoever says there should be no grief at someone's death, should remember that even the Companions were greatly grieved when they found out that the Prophet (saw) has moved on to the other world. Only the hardened hearts will find no grief at all.

2010-09-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

Whatever happened in the past month made me realise that at the end of the day, you should only rely on Allah swt. No words can truly express what I felt the last few days I spent with her. The whole experience taught me so much yet there is little to be said. I was asked to read "Hasbunallahu wa nikmal wakil" to her, and I realize at that time, there was absolutely nothing I can do. The true meaning of that phrase really hit me at that time, when I realize not even me, the daughter can do anything for her. The world has already faded away from her at that time, and nothing of this world would have mattered for a person who is dying. No hate, no anger, no disappointment - there is none of that on your deathbed. Because on your deathbed, you should only think of Allah swt.

So it does not make sense for us to say our children, our career, our wealth, our family are stopping us from making ibadah, because none of these will help you on your deathbed. Do people not understand this when they advise others to put the world before ibadah?

Once you leave this world, slowly everyone in this world will forget you, little by little, and so who will help you at that time? When you leave, you will see the true colours of everyone in your life. Will those you love stay united in honour of you or will they fall apart? Do these people even care about those you used to love or are they quick to be rid of those you loved?

All these lead you to realise that all humans are not reliable. You just can't rely on anybody. The closest to true love you will ever find is a mother's love. Nothing else in this world ever comes close. So, it's just absolutely important that you rely on Allah swt alone because there will come a time nobody will be able to help you. Perhaps by taking away my reliance on my mother, I'm being taught that there is nothing left in this world for me to rely on. I knew it will happen one day, that this relationship will end, and I will have to let her go to Allah swt. Everything that I love will be taken away - it has always been something I feared. I remembered the story of how distraught the Companions were when Rasulullah saw passed on to the next world. And I remembered how happy they were to know they will be meeting him again.

2010-09-07T11:36:00.003+08:00

One of the ways I am similar to my mom is that I will not outwardly show anger, disappointment or dislike. I remember my mom used to confide in me many things about what she truly feels.

Now that I am again accused of things which are not my true intentions, Allah swt knows better. Those who treat me as though I don't have feelings, have no say in my life. They can pass judgment however they wish. Those who treat me as though I am not a part of them anymore, should never turn around and ask why I do not want to be a part of them. We are humans with feelings. Let me put it in clear terms - the way we are treated is like dirt. My mom never treated us like dirt. You do not want dirt in your life, and dirt do not wish to exist in your life either. But then again, my mom is an angel.

Anyway, my mom used to worry about me because I am so lonesome. Let me begin that all this happens because she made du'a in front of the Ka'abah so that when she leaves, she does not need to worry about me. Now I understand why.

But like my mom, I shall pretend none of this exists. Life is an act. What is most important is if I die, I will not hold anything against anyone, and I hope all of us meet in Jannah where none of this silly hate and anger exist. But right now, the human in me is disappointed and angry.

2010-08-28T17:19:00.002+08:00

The loss is much felt recently when it dawned on me that she is the only one who showed unconditional love. Despite whatever mistakes I might have made, she supported me no matter what. You cannot say you love someone if you do not love whom he/she loves. It is common knowledge that we are asked to love and respect the Ahlul-Bait because they are from the family of Rasulullah (saw), i.e., his loved ones. Can someone who does not like Sayidatina Fatimah (ra) claim he loves Rasulullah (saw)? As much as we are exposed to sufism, we are but mere humans, and we hope one day we will be one of those who are not affected by others - no disappointment, no fear, no sadness. Even through such disppointment, I will do what I have to do to honour her request, and for her to be happy when she sees us. I'm doing this only for her, and because she sacrificed so much. Indeed those who have passed on sees what we do.

2010-08-26T22:29:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday
Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ...Allahumma soli wa salim wa barik alaih...

One of life's biggest lesson is when you learn that at some point in your life, you will not be able to help the ones you love. That is when you know, for sure, that everything is in God's hands. All you can do is pray. After the whole thing, I begin to seriously wonder about the reality of spirituality and the role of the path. It is one mysterious affair.

2010-08-25T22:32:00.002+08:00

With busy times ahead, I am not so sure I'm quite in the mood. In fact, I've lost interest in my job as well - the mundane job. Somehow, I cannot imagine holding that job forever and ever. I want to do something else, but I do not have the courage to stop doing what I'm doing.

2010-08-20T13:49:00.001+08:00

It is unimaginable that just three weeks ago, I went through such a harrowing experience. One that remains in my memory so clearly such that I sometimes have flashes of those memories.

Shaykh once said we are such that we only increase our good deeds when we are in distress - and that is a great tragedy. It is true what he said. When we are in distress, we realise there is nobody who can be of assistance except Allah swt. And we will pray with all our hearts. But when we are fine, our deeds decrease.

Nowadays, when I say the selawat, I remember my mom. I do recall reading Qasidah Burdah to her in the room, and she shed tears. At one point, I thought I may not be able to keep my last promise to her, which is that I won't let anybody do anything to her, but Allah swt is the Best of Planners, and just when I left everything to Allah swt, He has sent a clear sign. So, I've finally gone through what it feels like to lost someone you love most in this life. I am thankful that everything came at the right time and Allah swt sent my guide to help me through the loss.

Death can come at a most unexpected time - and when we are in our last hours, minutes and seconds, we do not know what we will be thinking about, who will help us or where our soul will be. Therefore, we can only pray that we will be granted husnul khatimah.

2010-08-16T21:12:00.002+08:00

Ramadhan this year doesn't feel like Ramadhan. It is as though a part of my heart has frozen totally and I can't feel anything. The lack of emotion worries me greatly. No emotion is not very humanly. At least I should be feeling something because it's Ramadhan but I'm feeling nothing. Moving into nothingness. My mind though is working full-time on the conference to bring the beloved shaykh into town, insya'Allah, in December. Do du'a for us - we're overloaded with tasks.

2010-08-13T13:41:00.001+08:00

Biography of Ustaz Ahmad Sonhadji
(author unknown but may Allah bless him or her)

Placeof Birth
Surakarta (Solo), CentralJava, Indonesia

Dateof Birth
18 August 1922 (24 Zulhijjah 1340H)

Childhood History
In 1927, at the age of five, he travelled with hisparents to Singaporeand lived with the Solo community at the Jalan Sultan area known as PasirGembur.

Later, his family moved to Rengat (Sumatra). (He returned to Singaporeand became a citizen.)

Education
In February 1937, he furthered his studies in Singaporeat the Aljunied Islamic School. He finished his education in 1944 during theJapanese Occupation.

Career
From May 1966 to end October 1970, he became areligious teacher at the Hassanal Bolkiah ArabSecondary School in Bandar Seri Begawan, BruneiDarussalam. Ahmad Sonhadji and his family returned to Singapore thereafter.

In August 1971, he took up a post as senior teacherat the Aljunied Islamic School. He was appointed as principal of theinstitution from February 1973 to end March 1980, when he retired. In September1980, he took up the post as the Imam (prayer leader) of Masjid Muhajirin.Previously, he was also a volunteer Imam at Masjid Al-Huda for 10 years. In March 1985, he was invited to be an advisor to the principal of the AljuniedIslamic School.

Initiatives
During the Japanese Occupation in 1942, he leftSingapore for Rengat (Riau) to establish a madrasah,the Perguruan Agama Islam Rengat(PAIR), together with his teacher, Ustaz Haji Marzuki bin Haji Shamsuddin.He returned to Singaporeto continue his studies for a year, before becoming a trainee teacher foranother year. Upon the end of the Occupation in August 1945, he ended his stintas a trainee teacher.

In early 1946, he set up the Madrasah Bustanul 'Arifin in Coronation Road, Singapore.After teaching for four months at MadrasahBustanul 'Arifin, he resigned to resume teaching at Madrasah Al-Junied during the day. He also offered privatereligious classes, known as Al-MadrasahAl-Diniah, at his home in the evenings.

Talents
Involvementin Organisations

1)TheIslamic Religious Council of Singapore(Muis):
He was a member ofthe Muis Council and had actively contributed in various workgroups constitutedunder Muis to deal with the community's religious issues. One of his keycontributions was through the Fatwa Committee, of which he had been a membersince 1975. He had always been a progressive and forward looking scholar, andhis ideas and thoughts were pivotal to advance many issues deliberated by theFatwa Committee such as organ donation and the inclusion of Muslims under HOTA,waqaf development, zakat administration, determination of the beginning of theIslamic calendar through mathematical calculations and discussions on Newater. He was stillteaching at Muhajirin Mosque, even in his late 80s.

2)Associationof Islamic Scholars and Teachers (PERGAS)

He was one of the early activists of PERGAS wherehe was elected as the secretary of the Educational Department. He was laterappointed as its Vice Chairperson and subsequently as advisor.

Books
Ustaz Sonhadji had authored many books and his best-known work is thetranslation and interpretation of the Qur'an into the Malay language. It tookhim more than 25 years to complete this task and it has subsequently beenrepublished many times. His instructional book on performing the prayer hasalso been republished many times and is used by the majority of Muslims in Singapore.It has also been translated into other languages such as Korean and Sinhalese.

The Ustaz Ahmad Sonhadji Mohamad Collection at Singapore's National Library comprises more than1,000 publications in Jawi, Arabic and Malay, on Islam and the development ofIslam in Singapore and Southeast Asia and more than 500 manuscripts which are onloan. The manuscripts include notes of his sermons and interpretation of theQur'an for which he is most respected for in the region of Southeast Asia.

Family
He is survived by a wife and ten children (ninedaughters and a son).

ConcludingRemarks
Many of his students have become important and respectedreligious leaders of the Muslim community in Singapore,Malaysia, Indonesia and Brunei. They include Singapore'sMufti, Syed Isa Semait and former Chief Officer of Brunei Darussalam Ministryof Religious Affairs, Pehin Haji Mohd Zain Haji Serudin.

2010-08-12T16:01:00.002+08:00

Al-Fateha
Ustaz Ahmad Sonhadji passed away this morning, May Allah swt bless his soul and may he be with the Prophet (saw). Just a few days after my mom's passing. The first time I heard about Ustaz Ahmad Sonhadji is from my mom who bought his tafsir books. Not being well to do at that time, my mom would always ask my dad to buy each juz, one at a time, until she got the whole 30 juz of tafsir. It was a precious collection to her and I was told to handle the books with care.

We met Ustaz Sonhadji about two years ago, and he made du'a for us. He gave us a book as a gift. He may not be that well-known, but he has been granted much blessings from Allah swt.

2010-08-10T23:45:00.001+08:00

Memories...
I wrote this on my blog in 2006:

Funny conversation with Mom yesterday:
Mom: I've been waiting to hear your dream...
Me: Which dream?
Silence.
Me: I am thinking (daydreaming) we should go to Yemen.
Mom: Why? Is your shaykh there? Tell me your dream, maybe I can help you interpret. (and here I am looking for a dream interpreter!)
Me: (thinking: hmm...what a strange question. why is my mom asking about my dream? she must have a dream too) So, tell me your dream.
Mom: My dream is secret.
Me: My dream is secret too. You tell me your dream, I'll tell you mine.
Mom: No, cannot.
Silence.
Me: Come on, tell me your dream...
Mom: No, dreams are secret.

My mom told us before that she often has dreams of us - her children. I have a feeling that if it's possible to inherit "frequent dreaming", I actually inherited it from her. There was once I told her my dream. After listening to it, she advised, "We should not do something because of Rewards or Punishment. We should do what Allah commands and whatever happens is up to Allah." Did I mention my mom is a saint? :) Treat your mom well, coz she is most deserving of your love after Allah and His Messenger. She is a saint, protecting you since you were young by Allah's Will. I keep forgetting I have a saint at home.

2010-08-09T18:47:00.005+08:00

Al-Fateha
My beloved mother has moved on to another world. I've always wondered how I am ever going to survive when she pass on and the day has come. I remembered thinking recently, whether I would have preferred to move on first or preferred her to move on first. I told myself, I would rather she move on first so that she does not need to bear the pain of loss again. I didn't expect that to happen so soon.

So many things happened within the week, scenes which keep replaying in my head. From the moment inside the ambulance, to the part where they lowered her body in the ground. By the time I received the news of her demise, I was calm because I was happy for her. Yet, I can never understand how I can be so calm about this whole thing - because I love her so very much. It is Allah swt who gave all of us strength.

She is the one I love most in this world and I already miss her. Everything I see reminds me of her. I drink coke, and I remember how she said I should not drink coke. I look at the moon, and it reminds me of how she always called me to see the beautiful full moon. Most of all, I remember the last few days I spent with her.

I read Surah Yasin to her everyday, and she always turned her head to listen. I read her the Qasidah Burdah and told her it is a special story about Rasulullah saw. I told her about the wirid and read the wird. I told her all the shaykhs, the habaib, the three of us and a lot of other people were praying for her. I told her I will not let anyone do anything to her. I told her we're bringing her home. The last thing she had was the Zamzam water. The last surah she heard was Yasin. The last phrase she heard was the syahadah.

She taught me how to pray, she sent me to the madrasah, she taught me the selawat, she made me love nasheed & qasidah, she told me the importance of fasting, thus everything that I do now came to me through her. She is sent as a blessing to all of us, a gift from Allah swt. I love her very much, but everything we love will be taken away from us one day.

There will be no more Ramadhan with her, her presence will be greatly missed. Last year, during Eid', she wished us both happiness, which really touched me. I will miss buying her cheng tng, sarsi, wintermelon tea, ice kachang. How she loved cold things, up to the very end.

Nothing beats a mother's love, and for those whose mothers are still around, take good care of them because they sacrificed so much and love you so much. Allah swt has honoured the parents by indicating that we should show gratitude to Allah swt AND our parents. Allah swt said in the Holy Quran: “And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.” (31:14)

I pray that she is with Rasulullah saw, and may Allah forgive all her sins. Amin.

2010-08-02T09:36:00.002+08:00

My mom is critically ill in hospital. In some ways, I'm still scolding myself for not being more pro-active in checking her health. Yet I know it's fated. Now, we are faced with several decisions. I wonder how to make these decisions when there is no clear sign. Everything I see reminds me of her, and there are no words to describe the feeling. Allah swt puts this love in our hearts, and our love is nothing compared to Allah's Mercy. My love cannot change anything, but Allah's Rahmah means everything. May Allah swt make her well again and remove her suffering. It is not the doctor's expertise I'm counting on - when we are sick, it is Allah swt who cures us. Do make doa for my mom.

2010-07-24T11:56:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, I'm now reading a fantastic new book by Shaykh Ibrahim Niasse - he was known as Sahib Al-Faydah, a term relating to the fact that he brought the flood of faith to many people by the will of Allah - approximately 100 million people entered the Tijani Tariqah and/or Islam through him. He's a renowned saint and scholar born in 1900. The translation of his book, Removal of Confusion can be found at Wardah Books.

Things are going well and insya'Allah there will be a conference in early December at the original chosen location - Al-Masjid. Al-Masjid has spiritual significance, and that is why I like it. It is not grand, and not modern, and not impressive outwardly but it is significant inwardly - many great ulama had been to that mosque. Let's not forget that our grand saint used to frequent that area too. So, although I know that there is a chair that creaks annoyingly there (which a Shaykh used to sit on but never complained) it is a great place for the conference. At the end of the day, we should not aim for grandeur but of spiritual benefit.

2010-07-19T23:08:00.003+08:00

Al-Fateha
As many may have heard, 1 person passed away in the accident at Chai Chee. Apparently, it was a man who had a family of four children, 2 of whom are suffering from kidney disease & other disabilities.

For those who wish to donate, visit http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=113528545363616&v=wall, a group set up by a Jocelyn Tay - may God bless her for her kindness.

Someone in the group did post an account number of the wife of the man who passed away, but for security purposes, it is not posted here - but if you want to know, send me an e-mail.

2010-07-18T17:27:00.002+08:00

Recently, I, along with thousands others, have been captivated by Maher Zain's songs. RnB vibes for Islamic songs - truly a meaningful masterpiece. This song is about the Prophet saw. Check it out.

2010-07-10T10:45:00.006+08:00

Recently, there was a fatwa released saying ESQ practices concepts which are not part of Islam. Yet there are other fatwas saying it is okay. Intriguing. I do not know enough about ESQ to make a complete judgment - however, from what I hear - I have my doubts. I would rather stick to traditional sufism. The question one should be asking oneself - what is the outcome? Is your spirituality strenghtened for a short period or in the long-term? Are you able to derive answers to your questions with regards to spirituality? Concepts aside - does it really help you when you are in distress and you are looking for support?

Motivators are the in thing these days. It would be interesting to see where ESQ stands three years from now.

We will insya'Allah bring in a flood of traditional motivation - first week of December - don't go for the holidays yet...

2010-07-06T11:03:00.003+08:00

After more than 2 years, I went for a class... As they say, when you go to any good majlis, it is a gift from Allah. Perhaps it is of significance that after such a long time, I went to a class discussing The Book of Assistance by Imam Abdullah Alhadad. I've always had a special liking to the Imam's books. The Alawiy way has helped me for a long time, and remnants of the Ratib is still being practised in my everyday life. Remnants only, that is. The true Alawiy way is apparently, not for the common people.

The class was taught by Ustaz Usama Canon - who is a student of Habib Umar, among others. A lot of people were taking notes, and I've forgotten how I used to take notes. Ustaz Usama seems to encourage note-taking, as do a lot of other ulama. Yet it reminds me of all the notebooks I kept at home, and the knowledge which I pen on paper but in the end, never did me any good. I neither refer to it nor does it help me in times of distress. Perhaps I'm not like other students who are serious in their quest of knowledge.

Ustaz Usama reminded us of the improtance of making niyyat (intention), even in our everyday activities. Because attaching a good intention cause you to gain benefit from it but if you don't attach any intention at all - it becomes wasted. He pointed out that most of us spend approximately only 1 hour in prayer, and 23 hours doing other activities daily. Thus if we attach good intention on those daily activities, it will benefit us, insya'Allah. He said that whenever we travel, we should make the intention of meeting righteous people, even if we visit places like California etc. Insya'Allah, he says, Allah will arrange for us to meet these righteous people. Just as he said that, I made the intention of meeting the righteous people in Singapore. As soon as the class finishes, we met Shaykh Maqsud at the restaurant. Masya'Allah - I've been wanting to meet him for some time and he is of the righteous ones.

We, in Singapore, are blessed to have this humble man who has knowledge. Like Shaykh Zakaria, you can see he is special. His advice is always concise and speaks to the heart. May Allah swt grant him health and bless him always. He is one of the two people I am blessed to meet in these two years of emptiness. One has left the world, the other remains for as long as Allah wills.

2010-07-02T13:32:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday!
Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ

Habib Sholeh is in town, and had a class on Tariqah Ba'alawi recently. Insya'Allah, tonight (Friday) he will be at Al-Wehdah at 8pm for a qasidah event and the haul @ Masjid Abdul Razak this weekend.

2010-06-22T22:20:00.002+08:00

Reading something just now made me think about ibadah. How whatever zikr and selawat I'm doing hardly has any meaning to me since I do so without being engaged in it. In fact, whatever ibadah done is done out of a "forced need". There's not much I can do about that since I've destroyed everything myself these past few years and praying was not like it used to be, zikr was not like it used to be. But I conclude stopping zikr and selawat just because I'm not into it, is an even bigger mistake. So here I am, engaged in meaningless ibadah, lacking of interest, lacking of sincerity, lacking everything it could possibly lack.

Perhaps in a fallen soul is sincerity - instead of in a soul who thinks it is so great, having met and received du'a of 1000 walis, attended 1000 events, had 1000 good dreams - at the end of the day, the ego will get to you. The more you try, sometimes, the stronger the ego becomes.

2010-06-18T12:08:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday!
Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ

From last week to this week, we have made little progress. We hope the wali of Medina will receive the permission, we hope the alim of South Africa will be given free time, and we hope we hope for some kind of guidance here.

Recently, I've developed less tolerance for the Wahhabi school of thought. It's very strange, but perhaps I'm finally seeing how love for the Prohet (saw) plays such an important role in our lives, and the Wahhabi school of thought, does not seem to favour this. If they had, then there wouldn't have been a problem. Besides, they cause confusion to some - spreading untruths about the shaykhs. Do not speak what you do not know of.

I am concerned that many today are so stressed in their daily lives - working non-stop and not finding the peace they seek. I have so many friends depending on anti-depressants nowadays that I am speechless. Do they know how it affects their mood and their behaviour? Perhaps not - it is something the psychologist will never mention. While people may laugh - the way to seek peace is not through pills or through clubbing and having fun but through loving the Prophet (saw).

It is only through love that we will find peace. To do things not because of others but because of Allah (swt) and out of love for the Prophet (saw). Why are we working non-stop and finding little time to discover this love? Why isn't 24 hours a day enough? Why do we build excuses not to find the time? If you don't have 2 hours, then spend 1 hour, and if you're like me - who is really, really weak, if you can't spend 1 hour, then spend 15 minutes. Spend that time to find that love, spend that time to find the peace. You will never understand how that 15 minutes will help you in your life until you try it. The fact is, you can't see the change in you, but it will change you.

The Shaykh sleeps approximately 2 hours only a day. I can't do that. But I do what I can. So should you. I see stress everywhere - we're working non-stop, we're moving non-stop, but what do we gain out of it?

2010-06-11T10:07:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday!

Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ...Allahumma soli wa salim wa barik alaih...

I'm going to be so busy this year - both at work and at home. In fact, short holiday is cancelled after I think long and hard about spending that money. Perhaps for the first time after a long time, I've had to really think about how I spend my money. As someone once said to me - before you spend on something expensive when you do not really need that thing, then, you should always think whether that money could have been used for a better cause.

Insya'Allah Habib Sholeh will be here for a Qasidah Burdah event with Madeehul Mustafa, as stated above.

2010-06-08T23:10:00.002+08:00

Insya'Allah, we will be having an eminent scholar here in the later part of the year. We're looking at busy times ahead - and the most important mission is to reach out to as many people as possible and to gain baraqah and knowledge from the presence of the scholar. While I'm excited, I'm also having this huge blank about what I'm supposed to do.

Anyway, May Allah swt make things easy for us all.

2010-06-03T22:18:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it seems some things are working out by itself so insya'Allah the shaykh will be here later this year. Praying that things will run smoothly although somebody is breathing down my neck enquiring where the funds will come from. According to my dream, it will be given by someone. However, my dreams are not necessarily true. Haha.

It is absolutely important for one to have a guide in this terribly stressful times. One who has lost spiritual direction has to immediately seek all means to get it back. Technically, there is nothing a person can do once he/she has lost spiritual direction since only through Allah's Mercy can one finally find that spiritual direction again. But if a person does not even try and try and try again, then the person will lose out.

I have lost so much and have not regained it back again, yet I've learnt that crawling is better than staying stagnant.

2010-06-02T20:24:00.001+08:00

The Annual Islamic Book fair in Singapore is on until this Sunday. Shops are open till 8pm on weekdays. Do come down. Lots of all kinds of books - kids books & sufism books, and banned books too...the fair is at Kassim Mosque.

2010-05-24T10:42:00.004+08:00

I was actually rather annoyed last week when I happened to be in a gathering where they made fun of tariqah. The reason I didn't say anything is that I'm afraid my explanation will only make tariqahs look worse.

They were talking about Rabitah, and the haul of Shaykh Abdul Qadir Jailani. I felt that what made people have misconceptions of sufi practices are the followers. Knowing Singaporeans are rather conservative, they should not kiss the hands of the Shaykh in public. In the end, the Shaykh gets the fitnah. Which is ridiculous considering even some Al-Azhar shaykhs allow their female students to kiss their hands, not to mention some very well-repected ulama' in Singapore. Yet Singaporeans are very particular about this and therefore, they should be careful. Some even go as far as to mention some spiritual matter to those who are against it. What in the world do they hope to gain out of it? The Salafi person will only use what they say to make fun of the tariqa.

What people seem to forget about tariqa muqaddams and shaykhs is that these people spend a lot of time in ibadah. They sleep only for 2-3 hours everyday. These are the true scholars. They travel for months and travelling is very, very tiring. Sometimes the flight take over 20 hours, but they endure for the sake of dakwah. Can those who talk so much do the same thing?

2010-05-23T10:51:00.004+08:00

Alhamdulillah, yesterday night, the qasidah event @ Al-Wehdah went well. I wasn't there - down with headache and flu. I heard that a lot of people came - which is great. It shows that we love the Prophet saw and will continue to celebrate the Best of Creations despite whatever others have to say about it. A lot of local asatizah also came - Ustaz TM Fouzy, Ustaz Shafii, Ustaz Abu Zaki, Ustaz Mihdar and Ustaz Hasan Saifouridzal. Perhaps next time, they can do the event at a bigger scale. Organizing events is not easy - especially if there are a lot of scholars on the list for the year. Funding and sponsorship is a headache.

Anyway, alhamdulillah, our friends at Manzil Mustafa has launched their website http://www.manzilmustafa.com/. In case you have not heard, Manzil Mustafa is a bookshop selling sufi books in Malay - it is the Alawi haven because it has lots and lots of books by Habaib and about Habaib. It's located on the second floor @ Golden Landmark, do check it out.

Sollu alan Nabiyy...

2010-05-19T21:14:00.003+08:00

Al-Fateha
The mom of Habib Hasan Alattas, that is, the wife of Habib Muhammad bin Salim, Sharifah Aishoon, passed away this afternoon. My sister called me with the news, right after I found out my colleague's mom passed away. It seems like there are so many people who passed away recently - by tomorrow, I think I would have done the 4th solat jenazah in 1 month. In fact, that is not counting the relatives of many of my colleagues. It seems like a lot of people are leaving this world.

May Allah swt bless the souls of Habib Abdul Qadir Assegaff, Habib Ali Al-Idrus, Habib Husin Aljunied (ex-caretaker of Maqam Habib Noh) and Sharifah Aisyoon. Habib Husin was a friend of the late beloved Shaykh Zakaria and I was told, they were two very special and unique men.

2010-05-18T20:00:00.005+08:00

Habib Hasan & Shaykh Imaduddeen

Insya'Allah, Habib Hasan, the munsyid with the amazing voice & Shaykh Imaduddeen Abu Hiljeh will be in Singapore. Join Habib Hasan & Shaykh Imadudeen at Al-Khidmah (Aliwal Street) for a Burdah session this Thursday. Program details are as per below.

Yesterday, I had a dream that somebody actually donated a thick roll of money to bring the Shaykh in. I wish it is true, as we are looking for funds to bring Shaykhs in - it isn't cheap to fly the shaykhs in from all parts of the world. Therefore, anyone who is interested in donating to bring scholars in, do contact me at nurulihsan7@yahoo.com and we will provide details of the scholars and the funding possibilities involved. We may be losing our scholars locally, but we must continue trying to bring those we can from other parts of the world.

20th May 2010 (Thu)

- Shaykh Imadudeen @ Ba'Alwie Mosque (Maghrib)

- Shaykh Imadudeen & Habib Hasan Alkaf @ Al-Khidmah (Aft Isya')

21 May 2010 (Fri)

- Shaykh Imadudeen @ Maqam Habib Noh for Khutbah Jumaah

- Shaykh Imadudeen @ Masjid Sultan for Ratib Al-Attas (aft Maghrib)

22 May 2010 (Sat)

- Shaykh Imadudeen & Habib Hasan Alkaf : Voyage of Sacred Love (A Qasidah session) @ Al-Wehdah (aft Maghrib)

Shaykh Imadudeen Abuhijleh is a Fqqih with a wide knowledge of Shafi'ei Fiqh, hadeeth methodology and Tasawwuf. He is from USA and currently live in Tareem, Yemen seeking more knowledge, especially in Sufism with shaykh Habib Omer Bin Hafeeth and others. He has been invited by many institutions in the US and recently in the east to talk on a wide variety of topics.

2010-05-13T21:44:00.004+08:00

Al-Fateha
Habib Ali bin Ja'far Al-Aydrus of Batu Pahat passed away today, May Allah swt bless his soul. He was known as a great saint. It was just yesterday that I heard a man in the lift mentioning the name of the blessed saint - the man wanted to visit Habib Ali at Batu Pahat. Many ulama' has left us recently, not only in Singapore. We hope that we will be able to benefit from those ulama who are still with us.

2010-05-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

2010-05-09T21:06:00.002+08:00

Blam, yet another scam
I learnt a new word recently - it is "blam", which is short for blog spam. And I've been hit too. Although it's not much, it irritates me that there are people who even bother to do that, and as a result, I'm forced to moderate my comment page, to avoid more blam.

Anyway, the news is Habib Umar will be in Singapore, insya'Allah but only for a day. Hmm. Habib Hasan Alkaf will be coming later this month. On the 22nd May, he will be attending a qasidah event with Madeehul Mustafa. Habib Hasan Alkaf is a munsyid who used to recite Qasidah Burdah weekly at a Hadhrami radio station. So, undountedly, he has an amazing voice, masya'Allah. Munsyids like that, really take care of their voice by eating right.

You can hear his voice below:

2010-05-07T21:57:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I received wonderful news that really made my day. Insya'Allah, Singapore will be honoured with the presence of someone who loves the Prophet (saw) dearly. While many do not even know this man - even I have not heard of this man until two months ago, his presence in Singapore for a series of lectures, will enlighten us, insya'Allah. His brother is a Friend of God, and I'm sure he's special too.

Meanwhile, Habib Hasan Al-kaff and Madeehul Mustafa will be performing in an event entitled "The Voyage of Sacred Love". More information can be found at the website www.lightofihsan.com.

2010-04-30T16:54:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday
Shaykh Hisham will be coming to town at 12.30am tomorrow insya'Allah, and his first event will be at Bedok stadium in collaboration with Ust TM Fouzy. Followed by at Expo on Sunday, 5pm. Ahlan wa sahlan to the shaykh whom I love and will miss.

Meanwhile, I heard Habib Umar may not be coming to Singapore this year - not sure if it's true, but that's sad.

2010-04-25T10:33:00.004+08:00

Last Friday & Saturday, Madeehul Mustafa performed @ the Esplanade in an event called "Tapestry of Sacred Music". Madeehul Mustafa is a group of Singaporean students who studied in Syria and now get together to perform Qasidah at various events. The talented group has since become widely-known for its brilliant performance and unique Middle-eastern style. Its performance at the Esplanade last weekend received rave reviews. Madeehul Mustafa will be releasing its CD soon. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend due to health reasons yet again - the sickness seems to be back...

2010-04-24T21:02:00.002+08:00

Qasidah Burdah
The story of qasidah burdah is well-known, yet I've never truly read the meaning of the words in the Qasidah Burdah. The words of Imam Busairi amazes me, as it has so many deep meanings. Below is a partial extract of the words in Malay:

Bagaikan matahari, nampak dari jauh seakan-akan benda yang kecil tetapi sinarnya telah dapat menumpulkan ketajaman pandangan orang yang melihatnya.

Bagaimana dapat diketahui hakikat Baginda (saw) oleh kaum yang banyak tidur, hanyut dalam impian dan merasa cukup kalau sudah dapat bertemu dengan Rasulullah (Saw) melalui mimpi sahaja.

Kemuncak pengetahuan mereka tentang dirinya mereka hanya mampu mengatakan bahawa Baginda (saw) itu seorang manusia yang merupakan sebaik-baik semua makhluk Allah.

It was said that the last phrase "Waanahu khairu khalkillahi kullihimi" is a phrase given by Rasulullah (Saw) himself. The words above hold such great meaning, as does the rest of the poem.

2010-04-23T00:58:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was Mawlana's birthday, May Allah bless him. I am yet to meet him as he reaches 90 years old. Loving the shaykh is a funny thing - you've never even met him and you can love him so. Mawlana once asked me to wait, and perhaps the wait is finally over.

2010-04-19T19:52:00.002+08:00

Shaykh Hisham will be coming in May insya'Allah. Details of the event as follows:

Date: Sunday 2 May 2010
Time: 5 pmFee: $20 (Adult Individual) $15 (Student)
Venue: Singapore Expo Conference Hall A (1 Expo Drive)

I have much affection for the shaykh - the shaykh who always seems so happy while I, on the other hand, seems constantly sad. Yet loving and surrendering are two different matters, eh?

2010-04-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

The Excellent Virtues of Khadijah
extracted from talk delivered by Shaykh Mahy Cisse

Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her) was that pious woman who gave up idolatry before Prophethood. She was such a source of strength and vigor to the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and to the cause of Islam. She stood by his side encouraging and supporting him and provided amply for his needs.
When the Archangel Jibri'il (Gabriel) came to him and said: "Read in the name of thy Lord Who created." The Messenger of Allah (pbuh), returned with this (message) while his heart trembled and he came to Khadijah and said: "Wrap me up, wrap me up", and she wrapped him up until the awe left him. Then he said to Khadijah, while he related to her what had happened: "I fear for myself." Khadijah said, "Nay, by Allah, Allah will never bring thee to disgrace, for thou unitest the ties of relationship and bearest the burden of the weak and earnest for the destitute and honorest the guest and helpless in real distress."
Khadijah brought him to Waraqah bin Naufal her uncle's son, who had become a Christian in the time of ignorance, and he used to write the Hebrew script. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) related to him what he had seen. Waraqah said to him: "This is the Angel Jibri'il whom Allah sent to Moses; would (I wish) that I were a young man at this time, would that I were alive when thy people would expel thee! The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: "Will they expel me? He said: Yes; never has a man appeared with the like of that which thou hast brought but he has been held in enmity; and if thy time finds me (alive) I shall help thee with the fullest help. After that, not much time had passed that Waraqah died, and revelation broke off temporarily.
The Holy Prophet also had intense love for Khadijah. He did not marry again until the death of Khadijah. After her death, whenever he slaughtered a sheep, he used to send meat to the friends of Khadijah. Hadrat `A'isha reported: "I had not seen Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her) yet I never did feel jealous of any wife among the wives of the Allah's Apostle (pbuh) as I felt in case of Khadijah, for he praised her very often." It has been stated that the Holy Prophet said: "I can never forget her; she believed in me when none else did. She embraced Islam when people disbelieved me, and she helped and comforted me when there was none to lend me a helping hand, and she bore all my children." There are many traditions in support of the excellence of Sayyidah Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her). It has been narrated in Sahih Muslim and Sahih Bukhari, that once Jibri'il was sitting beside the Holy Prophet (pbuh) and when Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her) came, he said: "Convey to her the good tidings of giving her a palace of Jewels in Paradise where there is no noise and toil."

2010-04-15T08:38:00.004+08:00

Sayidatina Khadijah ra
It's been four years, maybe, since the first haul of Sayidatina Khadijah ra was held here, but this year was the first time I went. Sayidatina Khadijah ra was an amazing woman, who incorporated many great traits. She was a successful businesswoman, an amazing wife and mother, and she was the first to accept Islam. She was the one who proposed marriage to Rasulullah (saw) - something which, perhaps, is very rare these days for a woman to propose. She walked 3km every day to send food to Rasulullah (saw) when he was doing khalwat in the cave. She was the first to recognize the truth of the first Revelation, and assured Rasulullah (saw). She gave up her wealth for the cause - which is extremely difficult for most of us. I wish I could be like that - give up everything for dakwah efforts, but it's proving to be very difficult to bring some people in to Singapore. Funds should be set up to bring various ulama to Singapore, eh? Then, we can learn more from ulama all over the world.

Habib said that there is much baraqah for the family if one is to attend the haul of Sayidatina Khadijah ra. There was a parrot near the place where I sat that keeps saying "Assalamualaikum" throughout the whole haul. I kind of pity the parrot, caged up like that. I once kept two birds which my mom named "Cit" and "Cot". One died and I let the other one go. I've always loved animals and wanted to work in conservation efforts, yet it was not meant to be.

I was wondering what Mahi means and was flipping through the pages of a book when I came across it. Apparently, it is one of the names of Rasulullah (saw) who once said "Ana Muhammad, Ana Ahmad, Ana Al-Mahi...." Mahi means penghapus (as in penghapus dosa).

2010-04-10T11:09:00.002+08:00

When I read the newspaper today regarding the Masjid Sultan fiasco, I can only shake my head. When I first heard of what was said there, I already suspected there were some false information being delivered. Having read the book before, I know what is in it and what's not. I bet none of the people who attended the event even read the book, therefore someone obviously was only too happy to distribute a recording of the event. It was a huge mistake. Furthermore, the false information spread pretty fast and some who are pro-tasawuf are only too happy to believe that what was said is true as it makes the writer looks pretty ridiculous.

I'm not saying I agree with the idea of suing and asking for monetary compensation, but that's what you get if the information given is proven false. The poor thing is that the organizers get the blame. Anyway, that is the reason you should always countercheck information before spreading it. I get all kinds of e-mails and SMSes, in which some contain dubious information or accusations against certain people. I don't forward such SMSes and e-mails.

I disagree with the idea of discussing about the Salafi movement, because there is little benefit in it. Really. They will never change their opinions, and neither will we, so why bother. Why no talk about something better and less emotional? My teacher agrees with me, and I respect her opinion.

2010-04-08T21:34:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, it's Friday!
Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ...Allahumma soli wa salim wa barik alaih...

I've been feeling restless recently and there's a very weird feeling on my toes which comes and goes. Not to mention a weird feeling in my stomach and my heart. My mind is everywhere, I am beginning to second guess everything.

I was thinking - the similitude of going to Turkey without visiting the Sultan of Cyprus is that of going to Medinah without visiting the Prophet (saw).

The hauls are going to be as follows:

10th April 2010, Sat- Haul Habib Noh al Habsyi (Maqam Habib Noh) aft Asr Syarahan adt Maghrib mawlid and tahlil

11th April 2010, Sun - Masjid Sultan: Mawlidur Rasul, 9 am

13th April 2010, Tues- Haul Syaidatina Khadijah r.a. (Al Khidmah, Aliwal St) aft Maghrib

15th April 2010, Thurs- Haul Habib Muhammad bin Salim al Atas (Ba'alawi Mosque) aft Asar start with Syarahan

17th April 2010, Sat - Haul Habib Zainal al attas(Masjid Wadi Hasan) Johor, Malaysia

18th April 2010, Sun - Haul Shaykh Umar al Khatib (Masjid Abd Razk) 10am

2010-04-06T21:32:00.004+08:00

Al-Fatiha
Chief of the Ba-Alawi *Sadah*, al-Imam al-Arif-BiLlah Sayyidna al-Habib Abd-al-Qadir al-Saggaf (RA) passed away two days ago. May Allah swt bless his soul. You can read the biography of the Habib here. It is recommended to perform Salat-al-Janazah Ghaib if you know when the first Salat-al-Janazah is going to be held. They must have performed the ghusl rites before you can perform the funeral prayer, otherwise, it becomes invalid. Ba'alwie mosque will be conducting a tahlil after Maghrib on 7th April 2010 (Wed), insya'Allah.

Another ulama' has left, and this time, an important figure within the beloved Alawi tribe.

Recently, there's been a hoo-ha on the ESQ seminars. Some of my colleagues especially are like real fans of these events while I remain largely skeptical. It looks like one of those events which will only leave an impression for a week or something. I guess the fact that it is not traditional makes me skeptical. I prefer the traditional type of event where the habib or the shaykh speaks of spiritual matters. The shaykh charges not for his words. Now, aren't we lucky?

Shaykh Hisham will be here in May insya'Allah.

2010-04-03T21:29:00.002+08:00

Recently, I've been reading on many other tariqas besides Naqshbandi & Alawiy. One of the tariqas I recently read about is the Tijani Tariqa. I remember the first time I heard about this tariqa is about 8 years ago. The one who mentioned it was a Salafi ustaz. He was surprised when I said I've never heard of it, but he didn't comment further even though he doesn't like tariqas. If he had mentioned something against the tariqa at that point, I would have been intrigued and started researching on it, but as it goes, he did not comment on it.

The tariqa is highly popular in the African continent. Shaykh Ahmad Tijani, the founder of the tariqa received the tariqa from the Prophet (saw) in a waking vision, which leads to the most important point here - that the Prophet (saw) is near, and we are not cut off from the Prophet (saw).

Once you read about Tijani, it will also lead you to Shadhili, Khalwatiy, Ahmad-Idrissiyah...it's really interesting. When you have nothing better to do, it's good to read biographies of saints...You can read about Shaykh Ahmad Tijani here.

2010-04-02T21:02:00.006+08:00

AIF
Alhamdulillah, it's Friday. And such a landmark Friday it is. Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ...Allahumma soli wa salim wa barik alaih...

I spent the whole of yesterday thinking and the whole of today talking, and now I'm writing, so I'm very, very exhausted. I am thinking of a wish list. I wonder whether by positive thinking and du'a, I will meet the Shaykhs I so dearly wish to meet. How can I possibly get them to Singapore? Anybody care to sponsor?

As our ulama' leaves one by one, it becomes more important that we bring in shaykhs from overseas. I realize it's not easy. Somebody suggested to me that the King may sponsor me to go to his country for a conference...as if I know the king...the problem is not me going there, but bringing the shaykhs here. This is where I begin to wish I'm rich...haha.

I am aiming to make available all the qasidah (in Arabic/Malay/English) which is not yet available online on my website. Unfortunately, I was given a qasidah book of 500 pages in Arabic only. It will take me 500 years to translate that. Sollu alannabiyy...

2010-03-27T06:33:00.005+08:00

I paid $25 to be told that the doctor needs to consult the radiologist before they can tell me anything further. Nice. If not for the fact that I do not want the nurses and doctor to have a bad day, I would have made a fuss. But as they say, no news is good news. Well, at least they practice the Syura (Consultation), and do not act alone.

Somewhere something has changed for me in the past month. It might be that I have found what I needed. Something surprisingly unknown, unheard of, unpopular here. It is like jumping on board something unknown and throwing away everything you previously thought. Grasping something which will be close to madness and wanting something beyond belief. It would make the Salafis flip to even hear of such great unknown bid'ah. Lol.

One thing I note is that even the Salafis agree that the Almarhum Shaykh Umar Al-Khatib is an ulama'. Which just goes to show that a true ulama' is always respected. In fact, a "supposed group of Wahhabis" recently mentioned publicly that the Shaykh is a true ulama'. I suppose the fact that the Shaykh practice the traditional way of teaching has much to do with that too. A 100 years and we may still not get the kind of ulama' he is. May Allah swt bless our land with many ulama' now and in the future.

I am a tad too busy to update the website, but insya'Allah, I will, at least once a week. Surprisingly, it's getting more international readers than local. The beauty of internet - it's so easy to reach out. Sollu Alannabiyy...

I was thinking recently about money, business & responsibility. What I lack knowledge of is the Islamic rules & ethics with regards to business. Should the need arise, I will need to learn it. What I do know is that you have to pay a person on time when the person has already rendered his services (bayar sebelum peluh seseorang itu kering). I know this because my employer is very, very particular about this. My previous non-Muslim employer who, to me, has always shown Islamic virtues, was also particular about this. As a result (in my opinion), his business survived despite hard times. He does not hold back paying us even in hard times. Recently, I am not getting the money I'm supposed to be paid. The company had issued the cheque but the cheque had somehow circled around Singapore since mid-February and never reached my mailbox. Unbelievable, right? Then I realized I owe some money to someone. On the day I settled the debt I owe, the cheque appeared in my mailbox, after more than a month (God knows where the cheque went during this time).

So God is Great, and He gives Justice. If you are not getting money which people owe you, then think carefully whether you have settled all your debts. Have you fulfilled your responsibilities - provided for your wife and children? Have you paid zakat? Have you paid your employees? If you have, then you just have to du'a and pray for the best. But if you haven't, then you have nobody to blame but yourself. Don't say people have not paid you - you have not paid others either so it's a chain reaction... if you take your time to pay others then others too will take their own sweet time to pay you...

2010-03-22T23:03:00.004+08:00

The power of positive thinking...
The course I attended had me thinking that perhaps much of what is being delivered is a message from God. We were told about the power of positive thinking and how it can bring you success. Among the things we were told to avoid is to say things which are negative to ourself because once we do, it is likely to become a reality. If we keep harping on the fact that we are impatient for instance, we end up being impatient. Instead we should say things which are the opposite. For example, we should say, "I am patient" and repeat it several times. Do not say "I am not impatient" as this will not have any effect at all either because according to the researchers the brain cannot register "not XXXX". A positive adjective should be used. We were also reminded not to say negative things to children as this will not eliminate their bad characteristics but will only enforce it.

Anyway, my current project is to visualize myself being where I wanted to be, before I go to sleep every night for 21 nights.

2010-03-21T15:08:00.004+08:00

I don't believe hanging out with shaykhs and habaib do one much good. You get to see the true colours of a person when shaykh so-and-so is not around and habib so-and-so is not around. Friend A and Friend B is not around.

I am lucky that when I'm angry the only thing which does happen is that I say nasty things or go terribly quiet. It really depends - if I'm mildly angry I will say nasty things, if I'm extremely angry, I cannot even speak. But I try not to hit things and hurt people. A lot of other people do more than that. They say things and they hit things, and they hurt others - but the best part is they will never remember it. It's like my friend once said - she hit her children when she's angry, but she never realised how bad it was until she saw the red slashes on her child's body. Yes, things like that leaves a mark. Probably a mark on the skin, and a deeper mark on the heart. Incidents like that are hard to forget - even when the red marks have long disappeared.

Apparently, people whose parents hit them when they were young tend to think hitting others or being rough with others is acceptable behaviour. Those whose parents seldom or never ever hit them are less likely to hit others when they are adults. I had a dream recently about whether the Prophet (saw) is fierce or not. And somebody said to me there was never an account of the Prophet (saw) being fierce - he is gentle. That should be correct, since it is mentioned so in the Al-Quran. Had the Prophet been rough, people will not be attracted to Islam.

You can see the true colours of a person when he/she is angry. Do you stop and remember the Prophet (saw) when you are angry or do you act like a madman? Of course, nobody wants a madman in the house - that is understood and it explains many things.

2010-03-18T21:24:00.002+08:00

AIF
Alhamdulillah, it's Friday!

The talk @ Masjid Sultan has been the point of much discussion. I myself am not in support of openly engaging in debates which does not bring much benefit. I don't believe slamming Salafis really bring much good. Indeed, sometimes you end up creating a bad name for sufism.

2010-03-13T16:06:00.004+08:00

It's Haul Time
Yes, the annual string of hauls is back. I can't be going to Solo in my condition. Pain, lethargy and general loss of mood in everything in life. Seriously. The thought of travelling does not even appeal to me right now. Just want to be alone in a farm with a beautiful garden, maybe. Even if you're not feeling well, it's best if nobody knows and if it's fated, you just wither away silently. So whatever is the outcome which the doctor is going to tell me soon, only I will know.

5th April 2010,Monday - Habib Ali al Habsyi (Masjid Riyadh, Solo, Indonesia) aft subuh

10th April 2010, Sat- Haul Habin Noh al Habsyi (Maqam Habib Noh) aft Asr Syarahan adt Maghrib mawlid and tahlil

11th April 2010, Sun - Masjid Sultan: Mawlidur Rasul, 9 am

13th April 2010, Tues- Haul Syaidatina Khadijah r.a. (Al Khidmah, Aliwal St) aft Maghrib

15th April 2010, Thurs- Haul Habib Muhammad bin Salim al Atas (Ba'alawi Mosque) aft Asar start with Syarahan

17th April 2010, Sat - Haul Habib Zainal al attas(Masjid Wadi Hasan) Johor, Malaysia

18th April 2010, Sun - Haul Shaykh Umar al Khatib (Masjid Abd Razk) 10am

2010-03-08T17:59:00.004+08:00

Feeling really, really sick. In times like this, you sort of remembered Imam Busairi and his illness. The doctors telling him there is no cure. Reminds me of the habib who told the doctors they are not God and made a tawassul on the walis at Hadhramaut. Reminds me of Selawat Syifa'.

I do not think I can travel for some time because I get tired very easily and need much rest. Rest comes before temporary fun. I can't just eat anything either. When you are sick, it becomes important to avoid certain things. For me, even though I absolutely hate drinking plain water, I had no choice but to drink at least 1 litre of it.

If you have cancer, it is absolutely forbidden for you to eat red meat, let alone drink carbonated drinks. In fact, if it endangers your health, it becomes haram. But little do people remember fiqh. If you have friends who remind you of the dangers of eating and drinking such things, then they are true friends. But when you know someone has cancer and you encourage him to eat and drink that which causes harm - it is truly a disappointment. Lucky for me, I have friends who constantly nag at me and prevent me from ever drinking carbonated drinks again.

It is the mawlid month and there's bryani everywhere. Yet it is not an excuse for the sick to consume a lot of bryani knowing it is bad for their health. I myself only ate one spoonful of bryani because I do not want my blood pressure to rise. The point is, you need to put in some effort to get better. If you don't, then you have nobody to blame but yourself. As harsh as it is, people need to make changes and then tawakkal.

Maybe I'm getting better or maybe I'm not. But at least I tried to salvage the organs God gave even if I've misused it for many, many years. The stomach is the cause of many illnesses. It frustrates me to see people destroying their health by eating that which harms them. What will it take for them to wake up? Is having a major illness not enough of a warning? Is it right to just not bother, give up and prepare to die?

2010-03-07T21:02:00.002+08:00

I seriously hope I can be less stressed but it's turning out to be very hard. I can't see any other reason why my health has worsened lately, causing sleepless nights yet again. Hospitals remind me of death. That is why I absolutely hate it. Hearing the Al-Quran these days also reminds me of death. Death's calling, that is. Yesterday night when I heard them reading the Al-Quran at the mawlid, it truly makes me sad. It's been so long since I read the Al-Quran, and it reminds me of my teacher, who had said I should try to make some time after work for talaqqi with her. I am yet to have the strength to go for any class. Yesterday, I barely made it to the mawlid, and that's just 50 metres away.

The ustaz was mentioning what Mudaris once mentioned. That the ayat, "Inallaha wamalaikatahu yusolluna alannabiy.." Yusollu here is in Fael Mudoriq (Present Tense). Which means Allah and the Angels, now and forever, is saying the selawat upon the Prophet (saw). Which means it's continuous, and still happening.

Which simply shows that we should not stop saying the selawat either.

2010-03-06T17:32:00.003+08:00

My recent illness truly reveals a lot of things. Now I know that if I am sick, I should actually get a courier to bring things for me from home. That way, nobody will actually make such a big deal out of it. A courier costs $15, people actually complaining - priceless. Therefore, my two appointments this month, I will go myself so that nobody will need to mention the debt I owe them. I don't ask for anybody to visit me seriously. If you don't want to visit me, don't. If you do not want to buy me food or fruits or biscuits, don't. As my mom once say, don't depend on anybody but yourself. I suppose people who prefer to spend their time with the habibs or their friends should do so and not complain at a later day.

2010-03-06T11:16:00.005+08:00

Launch of a website
In this wonderful month, I have started a website, albeit accidentally. The website is dedicated to the remembrance of the Prophet(saw) and everything which can increase our nearness and love for the Prophet (saw). One may ask (i.e. my sista) how it's different from a blog. A blog is meant to be personal, and thus I'm entitled to write whatever I may feel on this blog.

The website is more official, and nobody is even allowed to comment on it. Too bad for those who have a different opinion from me. I hope that the celebration of mawlid in particular, will not diminish as the years go by. The more events done, the more websites put up, the more articles written, the more qasidah sung in support of this, the better. In this way, the website will support all events, links, books and CDs which supports this cause even if I have a personal issue and disagreement with the people who do the events, links, books or CDs. No bias.

The URL to the website is http://www.lightofihsan.com

2010-03-05T22:47:00.003+08:00

I was reading on cellular memory recently and it struck me as very odd yet fascinating. Especially with regards to people who had organ transplants such as eye transplant and suddenly develop visions and memories which they never had before. It is scary, strange and fascinating all at once. The thought of a transplant is just so scary. With many accounts of people actually developing strange habits and memories after transplants, one do begin to wonder about the day our organs will testify to what we did on earth. There is even an account of a lesbian who turned straight after a heart transplant. Amazing stuff. La hawla wala quwatta ila billah.

The thought of operations and hospitals really irks me. I wasn't having a good feeling when I went to the hospital recently. The smell, the sound and the sight is all wrong.

2010-03-03T19:28:00.004+08:00

I have had enough of this. Seriously. I am deleting comments by anyone which are not to my liking. It's really to help this person, who obviously hates my blog, but for some strange psychological reason, still reads my blog. It's totally weird.

Being at a point where I am really, really stressed up, I really don't need some stranger judging me. Talk to the hand, mate. My blog, my rules.

Which brings me to the point of stress - it is unbelievable the amount of politics and tai-chi going on in my office and I start to wonder how I'm going to survive. I am beginning to be very sarcastic and nasty because people are being so unbelievably calculative. I keep reminding myself to think like a Muslim, but it's really, really difficult. My workload alone has increased 50%. On the personal front, things are even worse. I really think I should take the approach - "if you are irresponsible and regard this as a joke, I will do exactly the same. " Some things are beyond hope. I read something in a kid's religious book about Memungkiri Janji - If you have promised your parents to clean up your room and you said you did not do so because you were tired, when the truth is you're just too lazy, that is considered not keeping your promise. I feel this is a very important point. We always give some stupid excuse for not keeping our promise. The fact is we are just not putting in any effort sometimes. Excuses, excuses.

Meanwhile the stress is getting to me, the more stressed I get, the more pain starts to appear. Sigh. Medad, medad. It is really time for me to take on a great spiritual change.

2010-03-02T22:11:00.003+08:00

The topic of tabligh-styled dakwah came out again. I never do agree with some tabligh styled dakwah where they leave their wives and children with no nafkah to do dakwah. Not to mention, God knows what happens to the child's tarbiyyah...I am of the traditional school of thought where the husband has to fulfill his responsibilities first before doing dakwah. But amazingly, many people don't seem to bother about responsibilities these days. I wonder what is the cause for men being lazy and self-centred such that they only think about their interests. With husbands as leaders being irresponsibile, it is no wonder the whole family structure simply fall apart and the community is left to deal with bobrok-ness. Even those with religious knowledge abandon responsibilities therefore we begin to wonder - is this Islam? And I pose the question for you and me.

2010-02-26T13:52:00.001+08:00

AIF
Alhamdulillah, it's Friday. Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ...Allahumma soli wa salim wa barik alaih...

Went to Ba'alwie yesterday after a long hiatus. It was the 12th of Rabiulawwal and habib told us that the night of 12th Rabiulawwal is said to be greater than Laylatul Qadr by some ulama' based on a hadith. Anyway, it was an amazing night although I was not feeling well again yesterday with pain on my right kidney.

I have accidentally bought a new domain yesterday. It reminds me why I should never ever buy anything online. But as it is, seems like I will be having a new website which will be up soon, insya'Allah.

2010-02-23T20:59:00.007+08:00

Finally, I got the full text to the Qasidah Da u Ni - one of my two favourites... Whoever wrote this may have the Salafis in mind...let us be, just let us be...

Let me be, let me be as I commune with my Beloved;
Blame me not, for that will be misguided.

Learn from my tears while you sing, O Dove;
Take from me the lessons of Love

For those like me, full of love for Nabiyy (saw);
Do not stop me, do not blame me.

They warn me because of my love for you;
O the light of my eyes, Peace be to you.

Guide me, guide me, do not leave me be;
O the light of my heart, Peace be upon you.

Peace be upon you, O the one of high rank,
O Nabiyy, my greetings to you.

My heart yearns for Madinah;
My heart is captive to the best of Creation.

------------------------------------------

In this blessed month, we have Habib Hasan Alkaf and Habib Ali Al-Haddad who will be at Ba'alwie on 12 Rabiulawal insya'Allah (this Thursday night, 25th February). Do come to celebrate the birth of our Prophet (saw). Seminar @ Al-Mukminin is cancelled due to ridiculous reasons. Other events include the following:

24 February 2010, Wednesday
After Zohor
Masjid Haji Salleh (Maqam Habib Noh), Palmer Road
Talk by Habib Ali al-Haddad
Title: Perjalanan Kekasih Allah

26 Feburary 2010, Friday
Masjid Hajjah Fatimah
After Maghrib
The Sublime Poetry: Rekindle the spirit of love For Sayyidina Muhammad saw
Talk by Habib Ali al-Haddad after Maghrib (Translation in English)
Recitation of Burdah starts after Solat Isya
Talk by Habib Hasan al-Kaff and Ustaz Lutfi al-Linggi in Malay after recitation of Burdah

27 Feburary 2010, Saturday
Wardah Books, 58 Bussorah Street
4pm- "The Sacred Poetry"
Habib Ali al-Haddad and Ust Lutfi al Linggi
(Translation in English)

27 Feburary 2010, Saturday
Mawlid Akbar
Organised by Al-Khidmah
63 Aliwal Street 199939
After Maghrib
Habib Ali al-Haddad and Habib Hasan al-Kaff

2010-02-22T20:05:00.002+08:00

Fun Stuff...Made my day

2010-02-21T12:12:00.004+08:00

I'm currently reading on Tariqa Tijaniyya, also known as Tariqa Muhamaddiya. Interestingly, all these years, I've never really read anything about it. It is one of the later tariqah to emerge and is highly popular in Africa. I am currently reading the book, "On the path of the Prophet (saw)" - it's a fantastic book. I have not been so captivated by a book since Llewellyn Vaughan-lee, and that's 8 years ago. It describes the grandfather of Shaykh Ahmad Tijani as someone who spends much of his time in ibadah such that he has to cover his face in public because if someone sees him, he will fall in love with him. Masya'Allah. This is true for many awliya'. The light in their eyes or their faces or whatever it is that cannot be explained is enough to make a person faint out of shock, surprise, wonder and love...

Shaykh Ahmad Tijani is from Morocco, another blessed land with many scholars and saints. I would love to go there one day. Their clothes look curiously like the clothes of wizards...haha...TBC.

2010-02-18T19:17:00.004+08:00

AIF
Alhamdulillah, it's Friday. Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ...Allahumma soli wa salim wa barik alaih...

I deeply miss my ustazah...wish she actually teach public classes but she doesn't. I do not even understand why I am so drawn to her, but somehow I know she's special. May Allah swt bless her. The most humble teacher I've ever met. One of the two who came to warn me of my impending fall in my dreams a long time ago. The other of course, being Mualim. The only thing, by the way, that I ever learnt and remembered from Mualim is the benefits of selawat Al-Fatih. Today, I read something about selawat Al-Fatih...

"Shaykh Ahmad Tijani was especially keen to enumerate, based on what the Prophet had told him, the benefits of Salat al-Fatih. Revealed on a sheet of light to Muhammad al-Bakri (d. 1545) during a retreat inside the Ka’ba in search of the best way to send blessing on the Prophet, this prayer is “equivalent to the recitation of all prayers of glorification to God (tasbih) that have ever been said in the universe, all Sufi prayers or remembrance of God (dhikr), every invocation (du’a) long or short…”[5]

Insya'Allah, there will be a Burdah session with Habib Hasan Al-kaf & Habib Ali Alhaddad:
Friday, February 26, 2010
Time: 7:00pm - 10:00pm
Location: Masjid Hajah Fatimah (Beach Road)

Unfortunately it is held at the mosque with arguably the smallest woman prayer area - I wonder why the place was chosen. The location is not quite good - it being quite far from the MRT too. It should be at Al-Masjid 1 (Darussalam), Al-Masjid 2 (Sultan) or Al-Masjid 3 (Kassim). I think they will also be singing Ya Habibana which is one of my two favourite qasidah. I do not know whether they'll be selling the CD containing that qasidah, but if they do, it is really worth buying.

Meanwhile, I'm spending Rabiulawal alone - it seems that it is less complicated that way and I can keep my blood pressure at bay.

2010-02-16T13:11:00.002+08:00

The last day of holiday was spent visiting the graveyard with my sista. Finally, I managed to visit Mu'alim & Ustaz Abdillah. Alhamdulillah, because both of us were not sure where their maqam are. You can recognize the maqam of Mu'alim by the signature "Allahu Haq" engraved on the stone. Never could face him when he was alive. Visiting him now brings much sadness. It's amazing that such a brief encounter with the man can bring such a deep impact on the soul. Such is the effects of a wali, who will remind you of Allah swt just by looking at him. May Allah swt bless his soul. Sometimes I wish I can take a sabbatical year off and spend time in the company of a wali. I am seriously physically and spiritually in need of time off. Money & responsibilities hold me back. The more I work, the more stressed I get. The more stressed I get, the more pain I get. The more pain I get, the less sleep I get. It isn't a very healthy cycle.

2010-02-15T20:32:00.002+08:00

An Empty Space
It's the start of the mawlid month and I'm feeling as far away as it can possibly get. Far away from the Prophet (saw), that is. I have pretty much figured that all my fears and worries, my hopes and dreams cannot be shared with anyone, and can only be buried deep inside me. Perhaps it's fated that way, and there remains an empty space in my heart, not filled by anyone at all - I know the empty space is there - but who is it for? If I have an answer to that, or by some miracle, that empty space is filled, perhaps I would be more at peace.

After discovering recently that I had done much damage to my organs, I began to read about food. The one thing I would love to have learnt from the Prophet (saw) would be the knowledge of food and its uses. It would be a miracle to be able to meet someone who has this knowledge. What little I know is that the Prophet (saw) do not eat much meat, as we do these days. In fact, I'm not supposed to eat much meat either. I don't believe in doctors these days - they don't even know much about food and its effects on diseases, when we know all diseases are caused by the stomach.

A few days ago, I dreamt of a friend who is in Yemen. Hope she's doing okay, although I really cannot remember the details of the dream.

2010-02-06T21:12:00.003+08:00

It is really not good to learn that what I'm suffering from has no cure except for operation or a dosage of painkillers. Hopefully it is nothing bad, because it is quite a common disease. Yet it is ridiculous to say the disease has no cure. Painkillers - hah! Now I understand why all they gave as a goodbye gift was a huge supply of painkillers. Painkiller is not even a cure - it's removing the pain but not removing the cause.

Every disease has a cure - and here are the smartest doctors in the world saying if you have this disease, there's nothing you can do. What is worrying is that the pain is appearing everywhere, although thank God, it only comes and goes for a while. I am supposed to get better seeing how my diet has improved tremendously, yet the gnawing pain is there. The greatest nightmare would be for it to re-appear and cause sleepless nights yet again. I cannot even walk around or stand up for long anymore. Let alone wash the bathroom, wash & hang the clothes, vacuum the floor all at one time twice every week - which I did last week and ended up with back pain. Why am I doing all these things when I know I'm not supposed to? Because in life, there's no one else to do these things for you even if you're sick. If you don't do it, your room becomes dirty and how can you take wudhu' in a bathroom which smells of urine and pray in a room which is filled with dirt? I do not appreciate such things very much. Cleanliness is very much a part of the religion. Life is full of things you hate to do but need to do anyway - it is not just about sitting in front of the computer 24/7 expecting everyone else to do things for you.

Meanwhile, I am beginning to doubt drinking lots of water is having much effect on what's causing the pain. What it has helped done is make my stomach less toxic, that's all. If only I know what is the cure to the pain...The good news is, after my research online, I found out people have been cured just by maintaining a high fiber, low protein diet and lots of water. So what did the Prophet (saw) say...most diseases come from the stomach, i.e. what you eat.

2010-02-06T09:51:00.003+08:00

I am just deeply saddened to learn that many of my friends are in some way depressed. It's just a difference of varying levels of depression. Talking about my pessimism, the strangest thing is that they look for me when they are depressed. While some people who read this blog will probably accuse me of influencing my friends to more pessimistic thoughts, I don't do such things. I don't paint a picture that life is a bed of roses, but I truly believe that it is possible to be happy. Wa man yukmin billah, la khaufun alaih (Whoever believes in Allah, no fear shall overcome him])

I know the answer to getting out of depression and it is none other than to get in touch with your spiritual side. But I don't really know what to say to my friends who are freethinkers. Even to my Muslim friends who do not know much of the religion. Furthermore, my own crumbling spiritual state makes it hypocritical to say that.

Disappointment can really kill people. It is disappointment which leads to a state of pessimism - when all that you believe is shattered. How do you get to a state where no matter what happens to you, you accept it because it's from Allah? Such a high state that is, that I doubt many can ever reach it. Is the solution attending majlis? I seriously doubt that is the solution for me.

Humpty-dumpty sat on the wall,
humpty-dumpty had a great fall..
All the majlis and all the wali's words,
Couldn't stop humpty-dumpty from falling again

It is because only Allah swt can give hidayah to a person. I do not even know what I'm looking for, when it will come or what I have to do. My friend said something very profound the other day. She said, if a person truly has iman and good akhlaq, whatever comes out of her mouth will be good and will have a good impact on others. But if a person does not have strong iman or good akhlaq, whatever she says will not affect others at all but on the contrary, cause damage. It is very true because the person who says it is one such person. Whatever she says always reminded me of Allah swt and gave me hope and happiness. If our words are falling on deaf ears, maybe we should stop saying it is the other person's fault. Maybe the fault lies with us.

2010-02-05T13:32:00.001+08:00

What a funny list of comments which greeted me this Friday morning after not blogging for a long time. I have this problem with those who hate what I write but still read it. Why do you do it? It is pointless to do so and then start bashing other readers. If you hate it, leave it. If you find some interest in it, then go for it. That makes total sense. Continuing to read something you hate seems really weird - like a moth who knows the light will burn it yet is still attracted to the light. Or is that allegory totally out of place...:P

Today, we were having a discussion about how the books kids these days are studying contains things which subtly imply that Islam is associated with terrorism. Everybody's reaction is that we should stop these books from being printed. Is that a solution? So does removing my blog cause the world to be a better place to live in for children? (although I highly doubt children will prefer reading this blog to playing WarCraft)

What I'm writing, especially in the last post, is very, very true. It is not pessimism as some claim. There is truly no such thing as true love in this physical world. So stop painting a fancy Hollywood romance flick picture to the children. Reality is Iranian films, so try watching them if you have a chance. Or are Iranian films just another pessimistic influence to children? The horror...

Peace and blessings be to Prophet (saw) who is a mercy to mankind in a way no other human can be.

2010-02-01T20:07:00.002+08:00

As I told my friend many years ago, I don't believe there is such a thing as love among humans. How can you say you love someone when your love vanishes if the person treat you badly. Such love is conditional, and simply said - not love at all. Therefore most if not all human love are fake. The closest there is to true love is a mother's love. Take for example my mom - even when she is sick, she can still care for me. I can't say the same for myself. If I'm sick, I get selfish. And yes, I'm not the only one who is selfish around here.

2010-01-23T11:15:00.005+08:00

It appears that eating only fruits for breakfast and eating only salad for lunch is harder than I thought. By dinnertime (thank God I can eat anything), I feel extreme hunger. It's even harder to drink 6 glasses of water in 1 hour. Again, thank God it's only for 20 days. It takes sheer willpower to get through. As for the diet required for cancer patients which involve not eating any cooked food for 40 days, it is near impossible. No wonder a lot of people fail to do it. It's so different from fasting. It does make you appreciate food and the blessings of being able to eat normal food.

Just when I think I'm getting better, it gets worse and just when I think I cannot get up to go to the office, I got better. I really have no idea what's going on in my body. It causes much worry. Apparently, when you are spiritually sick, you will be physically sick. The first thing anyone tells me is not to be stressed and to let go of my worries. Anybody reading this blog would have detected a lot of stress for the past two years. My colleagues and boss apparently believe it's work-related. In actual fact, all my problems and stress are people-related, even at work.

When you're unwell, you begin to see who really show concern for you and who don't. It appears some are just interested in how you can help them or how you can accomodate them. You also realize who actually show concern for you and ask about your well-being and help you as opposed to those who ask about what you owe them and about inanimate objects. Then you begin to hate the inanimate objects for having more worth than you. Ah, the truly painful facts of life. I realize some things which really, really makes me sad. If I harp on it, I will probably get very depressed. But the facts of life are really harsh. I guess inanimate objects have monetary value while I, thankfully don't. I guess money makes the world go round, and people love those who have money so that the rich people can spend on them. Sometimes I wonder whether having lots of money will solve my problems. But the concern some show really touches my heart. I realize I can never love my parents as they love me. I am such a lousy child.

Finally, I miss my cat. I really do.

2010-01-18T13:45:00.003+08:00

A friend's SMS to me while I was in hospital made me cry. She said a sick person is tested by Allah swt so that He may increase one's status and iman. It's just that I suddenly recalled my doa for Allah swt to increase my iman. Perhaps too it is a blessing that it's detected now and I am forced to lead a healthier lifestyle before I totally destroy my health completely. (Rest assured I will start drinking coffee again if all goes well in March though. Coffee is still the drink of the saints. :-)

Anyway, I got to thinking I should get into focus:
1) Don't do things which I know I don't like. Tell the plain truth even if the truth is something others do not want to hear.

2) Don't provide tools to others if I'm going to complain about lending the tools.

3) Don't try to change anything. Instead explain all the cause and effect, i.e., if something is not done, then other things will not be done. Life works on cause and effect. Every action creates a reaction. Everybody must eventually see this. Children understands this best (if you don't clean up, you won't be able to go out etc.). Yet as adults, we just don't care anymore about cause-effect.

4) Forget the past. If people bring up the past, just tell them to shut up because they are stunting your well-being.

5) Don't blame others. But don't blame yourself either. Admit the mistake and move on. Now, this is the real challenge. Hmm...

6) Love yourself. Each time you get upset, remember that you will only bring headache and all other aches to your body. So why should you let somebody else (who has irritated you) cause you bodily damage in addition to emotional damage? It does not make sense.

The only thing bugging me right now is that I'm not doing what I want to be doing, and I don't know how to start. Sigh.

2010-01-17T16:54:00.005+08:00

After 4 sleepless nights, I went to the polyclinic once again. 1 urine test and 1 blood test later, the doctor finally sent me to the hospital. Perhaps she finally realised all their anti-biotics are really not as good as she made them out to be, although she insisted she gave me AB which are not known to have side effects. I wonder sometimes why doctors never believe me when I say their medicine is causing the side effects - they will always defend the medicine.

I had to stay at the hospital due to some problem with the kidney. The hospital was so depressing. There were people in pain everywhere, the food has no salt in it and then they say you are sick because you are not eating well (hello???!!). Then, the doctors talk among themselves about some problems with my kidneys. To top it all, they gave nasty clothes which makes you feel like a prisoner. I recalled the movie Patch Adams, where the doctor entertained the patients so that they won't feel so down. It occurred to me that anyone who enters a hospital will never get better emotionally and mentally because of the environment. It simply generates fear and worries. So the first thing I did was to tell the doctor I'm fine. No pain, nothing. That of course, cost me 2 days of MC. Since I was supposedly well, they shortened my MC. A small sacrifice to escape from that place, nevertheless.

Forunately, Allah has answered my prayer for alternative-Islamic healing because I really don't trust the doctor. Believe it or not, the answer is water. The only reason I even believe in it is because some habaib recommended it. I was collecting the water from someone when I read a Hadith Qudsi written on the calendar on the person's desk: "O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. I have not forgiven myself and I do not know how to. I had begun doubting myself as a Muslim and my abilities to remain in iman. So perhaps God has forgiven me, but I am scarred and scared. I had this dream while in hospital that I was crying over my sins in front of this grave - I have no idea whose grave it was. There was a man in turban sitting beside me - I have no idea who he was either. It guess I was still deeply saddened and deeply disturbed by my past.

I was given a book about healing, and I think I'm meant to read the book. It's written by some Religious Science practitioner and the book's about having positive thoughts. It says how you should lose all negative comments people have said to you. One of the things which really get to me these days is when people say I'm fat. Sometimes I wish that the person saying it will become fat or those they love will become fat instead. I don't actually pray that, but like a reflex, my heart will say that. I don't get it why people must be so negative and give such negative comments. Anyway, I'm supposed to throw away my resentment because I'm supposed to understand that these people who laugh at me too have their own fears and worries and it is because of these fears that they laugh at others. I'm also supposed to let go of many, many other resentment.

I resent many, many things recently. Yet now, I don't feel compelled to write it on this blog. Neither do I understand why my good motive recently is mistaken as an attack. I don't even see it as an attack so I've decided to let it go. Sometimes it's best to stop caring, because if you care, people will only see you in a negative way. It really does hurt. Emotionally and physically.

When you are sick, you really do not need the stress. One moment of stress yesterday and the pain on the kidney started again. I started feeling sharp pain. What the book said is true - many physical ailment start from negative thoughts. Which is why when you are visiting the sick, you are supposed to say positive things.

It's hard but I'll try. The moment I get home, I got upset that my room was dirty and needs vacuuming, I've got clothes to wash, bathroom to clean and nobody to do it since I can't really walk too much. I have to do all these myself although my Mom who has been so kind to help me wash the bedsheets which I was getting hysterical over two days ago. Perhaps it's the medicine or the worry, but I'm feeling hysterical over many things these few days.